DEFINING THE WEST

     Into every life, a little levity must fall.  Even the old timers were able
 to laugh at themselves and their daily travails.  Without humor, life would be
 not only dull, but nearly unbearable.
     While recently rearranging shelves and resorting books, wading through
 shin-deep dust and cursing the inability of a four-foot board to hold five and
 one-half lineal feet of books, we came upon a long-forgotten little gem from
 1934, "Rocky Mountainania - or - A Tenderfoot's Dictionary'.  Written by
 Harriet Peters and illustrated by Dave Stirling and Richardson Rome, it goes a
 long way to explaining the ultimate "truth" behind many of the expressions we
 hear on the modem range.
     Numerous attempts to locate any of the aforementioned responsible parties
 yielded an empty hand.  The original publisher of the book said they had no
 records on it at all and saw nothing wrong with "borrowing- the definitions.
     So, we will.
     The next time you hear someone spouting any of these terms, you'll know
 what they were really meaning.  You can even use them  to  salt  your  own
     conversation, sounding like a true "Westerner."

     Acre - Term for measuring one's front yard.

     Adorable - Favorite word when on vacation.  Applied alike to scenery,
 children, knick- knacks. girls, crooked trees, deserted log cabins, sunsets,
 cowboys, or what have you. (See cute.)

     Alcohol - For internal use only. (See Water.)

     Altitude - That intangible something found only in places of high
 elevation.  Besides its exhilarating effect, it is held responsible for most
 anything that happens, including flat feet, sunburn. gas on the stomach, and
 infidelities.

     Angling - Fishing gone Big League.

     Aspen - Species of tree thought by some to be the stepmother of the
 Aspirin.

     Atmosphere - Something you pay for but never see.

     Background - What people from the East are continually talking about when
 they come West to "get away from that sort of thing."

     Bandit - In the days of the Old West, a robber.  Now, applied to resort
 owners the day you get your first week's bill.

     Bandana - A calico kerchief used for everything except its original purpose
 of blowing the nose.

     Bat - An air-minded mouse that can get you out of bed quicker than any
 alarm clock.

     Behind - School grammars classify this word as both a preposition and an
 adverb.  However, it becomes a very conscious noun after your first horseback
 ride.

     Boots - Western footwear worn in lieu of comfortable shoes.  A necessary
part of your synthetic cowboy regalia.

     Breakfast - :"Always the biggest meal," you explain.  (See Dinner.) (See
 Lunch.)

     Bridge - Two logs and five unnailed planks laid across a raging mountain
 torrent.

     Bucking Broncho - The kind of horse you write the folks back home that you
 were riding.

     Burro  - A four- legged quadruped that is a cross between a horse and the
 devil.

     Cairn - A bunch of piled up rocks to help you lose your way.

     Camp - The process of leaving your  hotel, comfortable bed, bath. and three
 good  squares a day to be just as uncomfortable as possible - and paying double
 for it.

     Chef - High  term  for  Cook.

     Chipmunk - An animated peanut eating machine with a bushy tail.

     Cigarette - The accredited cause of most forest fires.

     Corral - Horses'clubroom.

     Cowboys  -  Necessary  to the social life of a dude ranch,
         Divisions: Real, Drug Store.  A synthetic one Is described as any
 picturesque dude in a  Rears-Sawbuck  outfit.
         Necessary Equipment: A ten-gallon hat, fancy shirt, bandana around  the
 neck, choncha belt, blue jeans (with hoss smell intact), High-heeled cowboy
 boots with white leather butterflies thereon, dollar-sized spurs.

     Coyote - The  prima  donna of the hills.  A night howler and night prowler.

     Creel - An empty basket you take along fishing and usually bring back in
 the same state of emptiness.

     Cute - Word used when "Adorable" is exhausted. (See Adorable.)

     Dawn -  The  beginning  of a new day or ending of a big night.

     Deer - Next to  lightning, the fastest thing there is.

     Dinner -  "Always the biggest meal," you explain. (See Luncheon.) (See
 Breakfast.)

     Divide - (as in Continental) - A place to have your picture Taken by a
 sign.

    Dollar - The conerstone of the resort business.

    Eagle - Usually a hawk.

    Echo - Back talk from Mother Nature.

    Elk Head -  Taxidermical specimen on which to hang hats, bridles, slickers,
 sombreros, etc.

    Equestrian - -Any rider with an expensive riding habit.

    Erosion - Early stonemasonry.

    Feed Bag - A horse's lunch basket.

    Fireplace - Heating apparatus for toasting one side of you while the other
 side freezes.

    Fish - Big: Always the one that got away. Little: The one you brought home.

    Free - Nothing but advice and matches.

    Gallop - Something to write home about, if you happen to live through it.

    Gate - Thing erected to annoy horseback riders.

    Granite - Foundation stone used building the Rocky Mountains.

    Gravel - That which gets into your shoes, in addition to your feet.

    Habit - Any riding outfit that costs more than $12.

    Hawk - What you mistook for an eagle.

    Hell - A place to which you want to consign all the horses.

    Horse - An animal that can very easily spoil your whole vacation.

    Host - The man you pay to be nice to you.

    Jack Rabbit - That by which quickness is measured.

    Joint - A body part that aches after a day riding.

    Kit - Things taken along in case of emergencies, but usually forgotten or
 lost if emergency actually arises.

    Leather - Accepted fabric for jackets, pants, saddles, etc.
        Pulling Leather: Drawing a gun in a duel, OR what the tenderfoot does
 when riding horseback.The act of grabbing hold of the saddle horn when your
 horse runs away with you, or when you think he might.  As one dude said.  "I'd
 rather be a live sissy than a dead hero."

    Liar - A guide.  A fisherman.  The hotel proprietor.

    Luncheon - "Always the biggest meal," you explain. (See Dinner.) (See
 Breakfast.)

    Manners - Eating with a knife AND a fork.

    Marmot - What you probably saw when you thought you saw a bear, mountain
 lion, or coyote.

    Mustang - The kind of horse you get when you specifically ask for an old
 plug. (See Plug.)

    Nimrod - The fellow who goes after a humingbird with a bazooka.

    Pack - A bundle that takes two hours to put on and then slides off in two
 minutes, except when you want it to.

    Pack Rat -The :"dangerous" animal that prowled around on your roof last
 night.

    Peak - Name for any hill more than 500 feet above the surrounding landscape.

    Plug - The kind of horse you get when you specifically asked for a mustang.
 (See Mustang.)

    Porcupine - The skin you do NOT love to touch.

    Precipice - A bad place from which to jump.

    Proprietor -The fellow who owns the place you feel like you just bought.

    Ptarmigan - A bird with different wardrope for summer and winter.
 (Note: The "p" is silent, like the "o" in "moustache cup".)

    Quarter - An obsolete expression for a minimum tip.

    Quadruped - Fancy name for a horse.

    Quirt  -   An instrument used  to chastise your quadruped.

    Rake - The process of tickling a horse In the ribs to get him  to  run  or
 buck, if you're foolish enough to want to.

    Ranch  - To the West what the farm is to the East and the plantation is to
 the  South.  A tract of land where animals and people run wild.

    Ranger - A good looking youngster who wears a uniform and tells tourists
 what they  may and may not due in a National Park.  Explains the differences
 between a mountain and a valley or a mouse and a bear.

    Rein   - Emergency brake on a horse.

    Rider - A person spends half his time horse and the other half trying to get
 on it

    Rod - Fishing equipment. (Note: One that costs a lot of money is technically
 a rod, if inexpensive, it  is  a  pole.)

    Rodeo  -  A  Western   circus.   A place to be thrown from a horse in front
 of an audience.

    Shoppe  - Name for a store that sell everything from alcohol to zithers,
 each item decorated with the name of the nearest town or attraction.

    Skunk  -  A black and striped kitten with halitosis.  Best given a wide
 berth.

    Sleep - What you do when you  retun home after you have been  on  a
 vacation for a rest.

    Slicker  - Yellow raincoat placed on a saddle for the sole purpose of
 scaring the horse.

    Souvenirs - Worthless knick-knacks for which you paid too much money while
 on vacation and on which you have to pay excess baggage going home.

    Stirrup - Step ladder for climbing a horse.

    Sun - A blister raiser.

    Tale - A long winded lie.

    Utmost - What the manager tells you he will do for you, but he won't.

    Vandal - Idiot who carves initials in trees or picks wildflowers.

    Water - For external use only. (See Alcohol.) The stuff that flows under
 bridges.

    Whoa - Most comonly shouted expression when on a horse.

    Wilderness - A place out of doors that is too often strewn with beer cans,
 picnic papers, orange peels, and cigarette butts.

    X - Mark used to designate your room on the postcard of the hotel that you
 send home.

    Yarn - Tiresome story, poorly told by someone else.

    Yokel - Someone from a town smaller than yours.

    Zero - What you think the temperature is the first night you sleep in a
 mountain cabin - but you should come back in January for a real thrill.