LOOK OUT FOR THAT "RUSTIC AMBIANCE"
                             By Charles Hillestad

   Ever wonder why the way you would describe some lodging facilities after
   you've visited has nothing in common with the way they were described in
   the brochures?
   The answer is simple.  You have not  had the opportunity to review the
   "Brochure Writer's Guide to Lodging Words."
   (printed now for your edification is a portion of the list.  Use it when
    deciphering future brochures.)

    Commonly used phrases and what the phrases in the brochures really mean.

   Rustic       - The plumbing is out back.
   Quaint       - Bare light bulbs dangle from the ceiling.
   Romantic     - There is no electricity at all; candles are required.
   Cozy         - Your suitcase has more square footage than your room.
   Invigorating - No elevators.
   Memorable    - Pet boa constrictor occasionally escapes.
   Antique      - Used furniture.
   Heirloom antique - A distressed reporduction.
   Comfortable  - Upholstery has holes in it.
   Relaxing     - Nothing to do.
   Endering - Beds littered with stuffed teddy bears, pigs, geese, & unicorns.
   Charming     - Inkeeper has a gold false tooth.
   Friendly     - Inkeeper smiles when pocketing your check.
   Professional - Inkeeper wears shoes and shirt.
   Experienced  - Cannot find anyone to buy inkeepers out.
   Hospitable   - Someone is actually home when you arrive.
   Cultured     - Innkeepers know Vivaldi is not a sports car.
   Homey        - Every square inch of shelf and countertop space covered
                  with knick-knacks bought at World's Fairs.
   Elegant      - Even the venetian blinds have tassels.
   Ambiance     - Pennants from son's high school still on walls.
   Tasteful     - If you like kitsch.
   Plush        - Only three towels are needed to dry your hands (too bad there
                  are only two towels).
   Luxurious    - Towels will actually fit around your waist.
   Original     - Unpainted.
   Perfect      - Less than perfect.
   Unique       - Condemned.
   Trendsetting - Everyone else refuses to do it.
   Once in a life time - No one ever returns.
   Inspected    - In 1942.
   Newly refurbished   - In 1962.
   Authentic    - Couldn't afford to rip out and replace.
   Quiet        - Everyone else stays away.
   Historic     - Built before George Bush's inauguration.
   National Register Status - Possesses a MasterCard recipt signed by George
                              Washington.
   Victorian    - Anything built between 1492 and 1982.
   Southern     - Any property with columns.
   Lodge        - Anything built of logs with the bark still on.
   Classic      - A 1952 Chevy with tuck-and-roll upholstery.
   Suite        - Any room larger than a bed.
   Bridal Suite - Any room witha four poster bed.
   Private Cabin - Any structure larger than the outhouse.
   Dog on Premises - Large hairy beast with wet jowels and dirty feet
                     will greet you.
   Free-spirited - Bathing suits optional in hot tub.
   Healty       - Tofu served for breakfast.
   Paradise     - Can't get there from here.
   Private Deck - There is a planter box outside the window.
   Private Bath - Converted closet.
   Private Garden - Weeds are allowed to blossom.
   Privacy      - Doors fully closeable.
   Security     - Key actually fits lock (sometimes).
   Ocean View   - What you see if you stand on top of the toilet in the bath
                  down the hall.
   Mountain View - The Calendar photo on the wall.
   Garrett      - A place to bump your head.
   Ye Olde Shoppe - A place to buy things made in Taiwan last week.
   Special Services - Sheets are not an extra cost.
   Parking Available - Price of parking exceeds price of room.
   Free Parking      - Available spaces located in next county.
   Shaded       - Sumac tree growing in alley.
   Forested     - More than one tree.
   Within Walking Distance - Within driving distance.
   Within Driving Distance - No more than a short plane ride.
   Convenience  - No more than two hours to the nearest tourist attraction
                  of any interest.
   Amenities    - Soap provided.
   Comforters   - Thin blankets purchased at Sears.
   Quilts       - Couldn't afford comforters.
   Casual       - Bed unmade.
   Social Hour  - Paint peels to the accompaniment of dripping faucet
                  syncopation.
   Entertainment - Daughter plays accordion.
   Jacuzzi      - Cow watering trough with outboard motor inserted.
   Smoking Prohibited  - You will be frisked on arrival.
   Smoking Discouraged - Unless you have money.
   Smoking Permitted   - Owner smokes a carton a day.
   Children Prohibited  - Inn located outside California.
   Children Discouraged - Inn located inside California.
   Children Permitted   - Swing set located outside your window.
   Fine Sherry  - Kerosene.
   Natural Food - Served from can.
   Hearty Food  - Served from two cans.
   Home Cooked  - Cans heated before before serving.
   Gourmet      - Anything unpronounceable, doled out in smalll portions and
                  served with an inedible weed for garnish.
   Continental Breakfast        - Coffee and stale danish.
   Extend Continental Breakfast - Coffee, orange-colored juice and choice of
                                  stale danishes.
   Breathtaking - Farm animals once bunked here.
   Air-conditioned - Window panes borken.
   Eager Staff         - Large palms presented often.
   Knowledgeable Staff - Knows approximate location of next town.
   Discreet Staff      - Freelances for National Enquirer.
   Recommended  - Innkeeper's mother likes the place.
   Approved     - Innkeeper's father likes the place.
   Reasonably Priced - Costs an arm and a leg, not including tax.
   Expensive         - Requires a second mortgage.
   Spartan           - Former army barracks.
   Great             - Poor.
   Superior          - Average.
   Inn          - Hotel, motel, home stay, resturant or anything at all with
                  rooms.

   Inn;-sider-keeping-tense-chantment-siteful-tensives-consideration-struction
                  --A mandatory pun reserved for use by trade
                       publications and trade columnists.

   Not withstanding what it appears, the auther loves B&B's and has operated
   the award winning Queen Anne Inn in Denver for over 7 years.